Katelyn Today

Little Kay Kay cornering Boo Boo Bear under the couch, him ‘growl talking’ to her.  I’m guessing he was saying something to her like, “Back away Kay Kay, please leave me alone, get out of here or I’ll get you good!”.

Kay Kay piecing together big legos.

The big love for her.  Even through the rough and the tumble.  The love.

She is tough and breaks many things.  So strong.  The bull in a china shop.  Laptops, phone, jewelry, sunglasses, basically anything breakable.  She throws phones and remotes with great strength.

Her beautiful smile.

She can open the front screen door now on her own, but she can’t figure out how to open it up and get out at the same time which really makes her frustrated!

Her at nap time, feeding her pink stuffed animal baby tortilla chips.  Talking sweetly to her, sharing.

Dancing away with the Backyardigans.

Getting it together

Late August Tuesday afternoon. 

Soul hangs in limbo.  Not fully here.  Stuck.  Lost in what I’m not entirely sure.

Longing for life, discipline, faith, doing.

Why can’t haven’t I gotten it together yet? The flow of life?  The routines?  The doing?  The living?  32 years.  32 years!

15 years since I’ve left my broken home.

Years and years of longing for this togetherness, but unable to piece it together yet.

Why?

I blame my upbringing- the pain, the confusion, the dysfunctional, the abuse, the neglect, the things I had no clue about, the trust that I should not have had in them, the safe people who for all I knew they were with everything I had in me…

And it still hurts.  In fact it hurts even more as I age and grow and eyes open and I gain clarity of it all.

How do we get over the shattered mess left behind when parents turn out to be not what we believed they were?  When they continue to make decisions in their life’s that hurt us so badly?

How do we find the courage to forgive, the way Jesus says, when heart is still being trampled on?

How do I move forward with this beautiful God-given life that is my own, when body is broken with unhealed wounds?

When do I finally move forward and quit using broken glass past as an excuse?  To heal me and my own sins and flawed character, to stop the cycle of sad confused unlived life?

I try.  I try!  But not hard enough!  I fall back into old habits.  I give up.  I become them and live the same dysfunctional sad story.

I do grow, don’t get me wrong.  I learn and I grow.  But I am still not there.  Not even close to functioning on a level that I have longed for.

Truth be told, I am a big dysfunctional unorganized mess!  I always have been.  I’ve been so lost…

and I’m starting to see this light as of lately.  It’s amazing.  I see something. I feel something.  I catch glimpses of something.

Something = a better life, a better living.

I’m learning so much. I just want to keep going.  Quit sliding backwards.  Give myself permission to be the one who breaks the cycle!  The one who DOES change.

I just want so much, to behave in such a different way, than what is in this moment. 

Back soon...

My little cherub angel managed to beak both our laptops and in a last ditch effort to cut all ties between her mama and the world of mama lost in a bright led screen, half glazed over, broke my iPhone screen. It still works but the glass is an ugly shattered mess, not so easy to see things.

What sign do you send through this Father? Hmm, pondering the blessings of which there have been SO many!

}amazing relationship blooming between myself and my 13 year old beauty! Amazing. Beautiful. What was broken repaired! Amen!

}boysenberries! Oh my!

}recovery, I am moved, I see things differently, I am SO blessed

}His love and care, makes me tingle, thank you Father God! Thank You!

}a new spark, a new thought, grain free sets me free? Oh I think, oh I wish, oh i pray that this is it!

}little girl hears blender and comes running every time saying, mmmm, with big perfect smile

}new found strengths and love in self!

}feeding mamas milk to little girl, this can't last much longer, cherish cherish!

and the list goes on and on in mind ever day. Counting the blessings.

...and so I leave this space quite for just a little bit.

When things broken are replaced. When patience is learned {new to me}. When time is right, I will be back.

and I leave you with this hilarious picture of my bucket head. Lord how we love her!

May your days be blessed by Him dear reader!

Tuesday's Blessings

#reflection, seeing the past, learning, seeing my future clearly, knowing the main goal in life- puts it all into perspective! I know who I am and where I am going and what I am striving for!

#support- Thank You!!!

#finding me

#her sweet sweet babble talk

#farmer's markets, what would I do without you in my life?

#time spent with mother-in-law, bonding, loving

#facing fears one by one

#trip inside not so long ago forbidden site, amazing, normal, I am okay

#bodytalk, your support, thank you!

#driving in the night with only little one, smiling, fearless

#mama's support tonight

#fluffy dreamy bed and a pillow that I am about to seek repairing healing sweet dreamy sleep

amen for this day and all glory to Him! I see the light Father and it is so good and whole and right.

Weekend are for

#lovely renewing time spent with family

#abundance in produce at the farmer's market

#walks in green luscious park with ducks quaking at heels

#taco feasts

#seeded watermelon, the way it was meant to be!

Thank You dear Father God for this blessed weekend.

I do hope that your own weekend was nice too.

Friday's Blessings

Dear Father,

#i thank You for allergies, and benedryl and rest.

#i thank You for second chances and re-dos!

#warm/cool afternoon showers with her sitting on my mama toes

#driving with my jada bean, letting her take the wheel and practice, first time. The joy and thrill in her youthful big brown eyes, oh my. Growing up before my very eyes. Such a wonderful memory... Where did the time go? I must make the rest of our time together consciously count! Live life! No more watching it fly by like a story! I want to actually participate and be in this story!

Thank You Father! Thank You for this beautiful mess that I've found myself in because throughout it, one by one, I find You!

Thank You!

Thank You.

No pictures today. :)

Thursday's Blessings

#husband home safe and sound and that is more than enough to be thankful for this day

#pushing limits! going further! fear lifting!

#lessons learned- be more careful with your belongings... 2 laptops and 1 iPhone down within a month... Blessed lesson learned, Thank You

#out for dinner with my loves! it's been so long. Thank You!

#my little bucket head who amazes me, buckets and all

#kind words from fellow wordster, Thank You!

#a summer evening drive alone, breathing it all in, Thank You Father!

"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him"

Simply Beautiful, I can't even imagine.

#talks with new friend, prayer, these stories we share and hearts, You are a blessing to me