Getting it together

Late August Tuesday afternoon. 

Soul hangs in limbo.  Not fully here.  Stuck.  Lost in what I’m not entirely sure.

Longing for life, discipline, faith, doing.

Why can’t haven’t I gotten it together yet? The flow of life?  The routines?  The doing?  The living?  32 years.  32 years!

15 years since I’ve left my broken home.

Years and years of longing for this togetherness, but unable to piece it together yet.

Why?

I blame my upbringing- the pain, the confusion, the dysfunctional, the abuse, the neglect, the things I had no clue about, the trust that I should not have had in them, the safe people who for all I knew they were with everything I had in me…

And it still hurts.  In fact it hurts even more as I age and grow and eyes open and I gain clarity of it all.

How do we get over the shattered mess left behind when parents turn out to be not what we believed they were?  When they continue to make decisions in their life’s that hurt us so badly?

How do we find the courage to forgive, the way Jesus says, when heart is still being trampled on?

How do I move forward with this beautiful God-given life that is my own, when body is broken with unhealed wounds?

When do I finally move forward and quit using broken glass past as an excuse?  To heal me and my own sins and flawed character, to stop the cycle of sad confused unlived life?

I try.  I try!  But not hard enough!  I fall back into old habits.  I give up.  I become them and live the same dysfunctional sad story.

I do grow, don’t get me wrong.  I learn and I grow.  But I am still not there.  Not even close to functioning on a level that I have longed for.

Truth be told, I am a big dysfunctional unorganized mess!  I always have been.  I’ve been so lost…

and I’m starting to see this light as of lately.  It’s amazing.  I see something. I feel something.  I catch glimpses of something.

Something = a better life, a better living.

I’m learning so much. I just want to keep going.  Quit sliding backwards.  Give myself permission to be the one who breaks the cycle!  The one who DOES change.

I just want so much, to behave in such a different way, than what is in this moment.