Katelyn Today

Little Kay Kay cornering Boo Boo Bear under the couch, him ‘growl talking’ to her.  I’m guessing he was saying something to her like, “Back away Kay Kay, please leave me alone, get out of here or I’ll get you good!”.

Kay Kay piecing together big legos.

The big love for her.  Even through the rough and the tumble.  The love.

She is tough and breaks many things.  So strong.  The bull in a china shop.  Laptops, phone, jewelry, sunglasses, basically anything breakable.  She throws phones and remotes with great strength.

Her beautiful smile.

She can open the front screen door now on her own, but she can’t figure out how to open it up and get out at the same time which really makes her frustrated!

Her at nap time, feeding her pink stuffed animal baby tortilla chips.  Talking sweetly to her, sharing.

Dancing away with the Backyardigans.

Getting it together

Late August Tuesday afternoon. 

Soul hangs in limbo.  Not fully here.  Stuck.  Lost in what I’m not entirely sure.

Longing for life, discipline, faith, doing.

Why can’t haven’t I gotten it together yet? The flow of life?  The routines?  The doing?  The living?  32 years.  32 years!

15 years since I’ve left my broken home.

Years and years of longing for this togetherness, but unable to piece it together yet.

Why?

I blame my upbringing- the pain, the confusion, the dysfunctional, the abuse, the neglect, the things I had no clue about, the trust that I should not have had in them, the safe people who for all I knew they were with everything I had in me…

And it still hurts.  In fact it hurts even more as I age and grow and eyes open and I gain clarity of it all.

How do we get over the shattered mess left behind when parents turn out to be not what we believed they were?  When they continue to make decisions in their life’s that hurt us so badly?

How do we find the courage to forgive, the way Jesus says, when heart is still being trampled on?

How do I move forward with this beautiful God-given life that is my own, when body is broken with unhealed wounds?

When do I finally move forward and quit using broken glass past as an excuse?  To heal me and my own sins and flawed character, to stop the cycle of sad confused unlived life?

I try.  I try!  But not hard enough!  I fall back into old habits.  I give up.  I become them and live the same dysfunctional sad story.

I do grow, don’t get me wrong.  I learn and I grow.  But I am still not there.  Not even close to functioning on a level that I have longed for.

Truth be told, I am a big dysfunctional unorganized mess!  I always have been.  I’ve been so lost…

and I’m starting to see this light as of lately.  It’s amazing.  I see something. I feel something.  I catch glimpses of something.

Something = a better life, a better living.

I’m learning so much. I just want to keep going.  Quit sliding backwards.  Give myself permission to be the one who breaks the cycle!  The one who DOES change.

I just want so much, to behave in such a different way, than what is in this moment. 

Back soon...

My little cherub angel managed to beak both our laptops and in a last ditch effort to cut all ties between her mama and the world of mama lost in a bright led screen, half glazed over, broke my iPhone screen. It still works but the glass is an ugly shattered mess, not so easy to see things.

What sign do you send through this Father? Hmm, pondering the blessings of which there have been SO many!

}amazing relationship blooming between myself and my 13 year old beauty! Amazing. Beautiful. What was broken repaired! Amen!

}boysenberries! Oh my!

}recovery, I am moved, I see things differently, I am SO blessed

}His love and care, makes me tingle, thank you Father God! Thank You!

}a new spark, a new thought, grain free sets me free? Oh I think, oh I wish, oh i pray that this is it!

}little girl hears blender and comes running every time saying, mmmm, with big perfect smile

}new found strengths and love in self!

}feeding mamas milk to little girl, this can't last much longer, cherish cherish!

and the list goes on and on in mind ever day. Counting the blessings.

...and so I leave this space quite for just a little bit.

When things broken are replaced. When patience is learned {new to me}. When time is right, I will be back.

and I leave you with this hilarious picture of my bucket head. Lord how we love her!

May your days be blessed by Him dear reader!

Tuesday's Blessings

#reflection, seeing the past, learning, seeing my future clearly, knowing the main goal in life- puts it all into perspective! I know who I am and where I am going and what I am striving for!

#support- Thank You!!!

#finding me

#her sweet sweet babble talk

#farmer's markets, what would I do without you in my life?

#time spent with mother-in-law, bonding, loving

#facing fears one by one

#trip inside not so long ago forbidden site, amazing, normal, I am okay

#bodytalk, your support, thank you!

#driving in the night with only little one, smiling, fearless

#mama's support tonight

#fluffy dreamy bed and a pillow that I am about to seek repairing healing sweet dreamy sleep

amen for this day and all glory to Him! I see the light Father and it is so good and whole and right.

Weekend are for

#lovely renewing time spent with family

#abundance in produce at the farmer's market

#walks in green luscious park with ducks quaking at heels

#taco feasts

#seeded watermelon, the way it was meant to be!

Thank You dear Father God for this blessed weekend.

I do hope that your own weekend was nice too.

Friday's Blessings

Dear Father,

#i thank You for allergies, and benedryl and rest.

#i thank You for second chances and re-dos!

#warm/cool afternoon showers with her sitting on my mama toes

#driving with my jada bean, letting her take the wheel and practice, first time. The joy and thrill in her youthful big brown eyes, oh my. Growing up before my very eyes. Such a wonderful memory... Where did the time go? I must make the rest of our time together consciously count! Live life! No more watching it fly by like a story! I want to actually participate and be in this story!

Thank You Father! Thank You for this beautiful mess that I've found myself in because throughout it, one by one, I find You!

Thank You!

Thank You.

No pictures today. :)

Thursday's Blessings

#husband home safe and sound and that is more than enough to be thankful for this day

#pushing limits! going further! fear lifting!

#lessons learned- be more careful with your belongings... 2 laptops and 1 iPhone down within a month... Blessed lesson learned, Thank You

#out for dinner with my loves! it's been so long. Thank You!

#my little bucket head who amazes me, buckets and all

#kind words from fellow wordster, Thank You!

#a summer evening drive alone, breathing it all in, Thank You Father!

"What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love Him"

Simply Beautiful, I can't even imagine.

#talks with new friend, prayer, these stories we share and hearts, You are a blessing to me

Wednesday's Blessings

#her hopefully counting rainbows in gentle dreams

#waking up with my little gal

#errand accomplished, Thank You

#positive thinking

#little Kay Kay feeding this blessed mama a mid-morning snack

#walks that challenge and work out the kinks, Thank You!

#naptimes- her eagerly heading up the stairs ready for cool quiet bed and blessed mother's milk

#fountain time

#pushing limits and succeeding! Yahoo!

#wednesday farmer's market, community, Thank You!

#SURPRISE! He came home, sneaked up on me, totally out of the blue, God Bless this day!

Tuesday's Blessings

A new day upon me, to choose, faith and hope and possibilities! One foot in front of the other amazing daughter of His.

Out with the old and in with the new... Baby steps, slow and steady...

And Father says- trust in me. Just trust in Me! And one by one we will get them done. Have faith daughter and just trust in Me.

And one by one I go about today in thanks to You, searching to grasp Your Grace...

#faithful companion i stroke wild ungroomed hair in times of fearing loneliness

#the possibilities in this new to me life, relearning, rebuilding, creating a new story, breaking the family chains of pain, for chains are a cycle and sometimes must be broken to become free

#green smoothie in morning sunbeams- good for the temple of God

#learning one by one what is good and healthy for this blessed mama

#there is truth that sets me free, Jesus Christ that lives in me!

#mid morning walk in August summer breeze...

#uplifting music

#I believes... Changing my beliefs

#random little giggly girl waving to me from car, me smiling, Thank You little beautiful girl, thank you

#picnic lunch, just myself and Him, in nature, in the now

#laying in the backyard on cheery colors, reading... ahh... just breathe

#call from husband far away who works so hard every day... Thank You, I cherish you and your quick words, be safe and come home soon love

#little Kay Kay back from grandparents - makes my heart pitter patter in love

#piggy back rides

#sleeping little girl hands, I could eat them up

Night night little girl. Night night mama.

Night night friends.

Monday's Blessings

Searching for His grace today, on a summer finally come Monday, pushing through the mess might I find Him.

Counting the blessing and giving thanks for...

#mind clearing, cleaning out the old and introducing the new, be gone and Hello!

#on the floor tearful prayer, Father?

#green healing smoothie, if she-morning bed head might share

#mother-in-law again, the support, I LOVE & Cherish You!

#deep breaths, ahh

#quiet moments together outside in the sun that heals... Before the challenge

#my first participation on her precious words to me blog... community

#abundance in greens and reds and blues, healing foods, yummy lunch alone... rare

#challenging fears, one by one we'll get them done, slow and steady wins

"I sought the Lord, and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears"
Psalms 34.4

#people whom make it their job to help others, Thank You!

#afternoon banana strawberry carob smoothie

#Jane Austen

#farm fresh to plate dinner - alone outside in fading sun- and again rare, me preparing and thanking!

#evening drive, yep you guessed it... Alone! and rare. Stunning. Brilliant. Hosanna in the highest!! I see you Father, in the wonder of it all!

"when I see your face, there's not a thing that I would change, because you're amazing, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!"

"and when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for awhile, because you're amazing just the way you are!"

Sunday's Blessings

Thank You for this new beautiful day Father!

For every day is new and filled with hopes and dreams. To leave yesterday's behind and to let tomorrow be what tomorrow may be. Let's just live in the possibilities of today!

#hermiston watermelons on fire morning belly, mmm

#husband who works hard and loyally

#mid-day showers to restart a slow day

#loving and compassionate mother-in-law, her love, I am so blessed to have her, we all are

#getting back on track and pushing through, never give up, Thank You!

#in the night garden hand brushing circles

#special text messages to Jada, you are amazing just the way you are, I love you, you are a blessing to me!

#apalogies

#netflix in bed, that is after I get this munchkin off to noggin land, sweet dreams my precious one...

Thank you Father in heaven for this today, on a glorious Sunday that shined bright and ended light despite the heavy.

You I do not deserve, yet You I receive and am never let down.

I see you in darkness and I see you in better times of bright. I search for You with all my might!

Goodnight Father, goodnight. May my family sleep safe and tight...

in your loving light.

Saturday’s Blessings

And today, I have been so blessed…

#morning awakening… and sometimes you think you just can’t do it, but you push through and you CAN, and you feel better!

#beautiful warm healing sunshine

#farmer’s market with husband and kay kay = perfection

#fresh green vegetables and me dreaming about what to do with them for dinner

#strawberries and blueberries and mmm raspberries, to die for, so good

#dog in stroller, kay kay not in stroller = priceless

#kay kay fearlessly running into the fountains with pure joy in her eyes and big smiles

#taco cart mexican food eating in nature. ah.  does my heart well.

#happiness on his face, a good day

#groceries delivered, Thank You for that service!  It helps me tremendously right now and I am okay with that!

#little girl stuffing her face with fresh blueberries and saying, mmm

#toddler naptimes and little girl who was not ready to go just yet.. her trampling over me and the giggles and the smiles.  Time to take a deep breathe, quit worrying and enjoy these moments!  Smiling Gently.  Breathing it in.  The grace.

#positivity – I can be positive!  I am positive!  I can do this!  Faith in Him and faith in me.

#talks with my honey, that go places and grow into new ideas that make me tingle

 

Thank you dear Father!  I have been so blessed, with more than I deserve!  To see the blessings, even in times of personal hardship, is truly amazing.  Through this mess I find You!  Simply Beautiful!